


Chest Pains

by callidryas



Category: Game Grumps, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Body Dysphoria, Depersonalization, Depression, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-20 01:08:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19983547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callidryas/pseuds/callidryas
Summary: I wished a lot of things. I wished I didn't hate myself so much. I wished I could let Danny love me. Some things, though, I needed to admit I wished.(Updates almost every day.)(Trigger Warnings: Body Dysphoria, FTM Body Dysphoria, Depression, Anxiety, Depersonalization)





	1. A Stranger In The Mirror

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter of a very self-indulgent fic because ur boi is dysphoric *finger guns* I promise to put trigger warnings before each chapter because I know dysphoria is triggering for a lot of people, so please please please let me know if I missed a warning or I need to add one to the master list is the summary. Fair warning, this one's gonna be a long one.
> 
> Trigger Warnings for this chapter specifically:  
> Body Dysphoria, Anxiety, Depersonalization

“Yeah, she’s coming.”

“Nah, man. It’s fine.”

“Sounds good.”

“Alright. Bye, Arin.”

Dan set down his phone on the bedside table. He rolled over from his back to his side, looking at me with a soft smile. “Dinner’s all set for tonight, babe,” he said. I smiled back at him. I hummed as he snuggled closer into me, tangling our legs even further into the sheets. He laid behind me, holding me in his arms. His hands rested on my stomach. He knew not to move them any further up, but just the thought of him touching there made my breath catch. No, I wasn’t excited. I wasn’t full of anticipation of wondrous sexcapades. I was full of  _ dread. _

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I hated my body. Everything about it made my heart sink. The only thing that made me feel better was the denial that I really looked like  _ that.  _ I wouldn’t even look in the mirror at myself, let alone let Danny see me without baggy clothes on. I told him I just had really bad body issues, and that wasn’t too far from the truth. Even in bed, I slept with an oversized pullover sweatshirt and heavy sweatpants on. It was hot, but worth the fleeting moments when I could forget how I felt.

Of course, Danny always respected me. He tried to touch me the first time we kissed, but I slapped his hand away a little harder than I meant to. I apologized profusely. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I just got scared. He didn’t touch me like that again.

I really did wish I could let him touch me like that again. I wished I didn’t hate myself so much. I wished a lot of things, some things I needed to admit I wished.

Dan rolled back over on his back, leaving me feeling cold and wanting him to stay. He sat up, saying, “We can’t stay in bed forever, girlie.” I ignored the sting in my chest. I smiled. “Why  _ not? _ ” I asked, jutting out my bottom lip like a mouthy toddler. Dan laughed, “Come on, babe. We need to eat breakfast. It’s almost noon. At that, I sat up with him. I dramatically reached over his chest to pick my phone up from the same bedside table. It was indeed almost noon.

I laid back down on top of Dan with an exaggerated sigh. “I  _ guess… _ ” I said. He giggled again, bringing his hands up to my hair. I didn’t realize it was all in his face until he brushed it away and planted a small kiss on my cheek. I rolled off of him and he sat back up. He climbed on top of me and I felt his weight sink into the mattress around me. He kissed me again, but this time his lips touched mine. It was still light, fleeting, and all too short. He pulled up and giggled. “You have morning breath,” he whispered. I gave a huge grin. “So do you,” I replied. He rolled off of me and finally climbed out of bed, picking a pair of sweatpants out of my wardrobe.  _ He might as well just live here,  _ I thought. I sat up, too. I ran my fingers through my hair, although there was no doubt a bird’s nest sitting on my head that mere fingers could never untangle. I yawned and pushed myself to the edge of the bed. I caught Dan’s hand in mine after he finished tying the drawstring on his pants and gave it a squeeze. “Love you, baby,” he said. I giggled at how endearing he could be when he just made dick jokes and played video games all day.  _ I’ve caught quite the character,  _ I thought. “Love you, too.”

It was a Saturday, so I had the day off. Dan usually worked all week but he took the day off after I begged him to. He was running himself into the ground after staying up filming until sunrise for over a week. The day before, I had told him he had dark circles under his eyes and asked if he was okay. He just quietly nodded and laid his head on my shoulder. I said, “Take tomorrow off.” He took one deep breath in before holding it for a moment, and let it out slow and steady. I knew he was thinking very hard. “Okay,” he said. Normally I had to argue and poke him with a sharp stick to get him to take a day off, so him giving in so quickly really showed how tired he was. We sat on the couch like that for what felt like both only a few minutes and an eternity. I stroked his hair and he just sat and thought. Or maybe he didn’t think at all. Maybe he was too tired, just focussed on the feeling of my hand in his hair. We fell asleep like that until a little after midnight. A wrong number call on my phone woke me up. I just let it ring so I didn’t have to wake Danny up. Although, eventually, I did have to wake him so we could go to bed. If he was going to take a day off, he needed to sleep in a comfy bed without his neck craned at a ninety-degree angle.

I sat at the kitchen island, perched on a tall barstool. Dan made scrambled eggs and turkey bacon. I ate happily next to him, only the sounds of forks scraping against plates and messy chewing filling the room. Once I was done, I picked up my plate and put it in the sink. Then I started cleaning up the pans he had used to cook. It was only fair, after all, that I cleaned the dishes after he made me breakfast. I filled the sink with hot water and a splash of dish soap and set the two pans in it. I figured I’d let the dried eggs and grease soak a little before I actually washed anything. By the time the sink was filled, Dan had finished his plate. I went back around the island to pick it up with his silverware and dropped them into the sink, too. “Thanks, babe,” he said. “Thanks to you, too,” I replied. I leaned in and kissed him, wrapping my arms around his neck. He was only a little shorter when he sat on the stool, so I still had to step up on my toes to reach him. I wished I could reach him easier.

That evening, Dan and I got ready for dinner with Arin and Suzy. We were going to a nicer kind of restaurant- not gowns and tuxedos. It was just nice enough to where people would look at you funny if you were a girl in pants. I wore a sleeveless little black dress that hit just above my knees. It was fit at the chest and flared out at my hips, letting the skirt flow and sway. It was a cute outfit, I had to say, but not on me. I wouldn’t have worn it normally, but it was the only dress I owned that didn’t have anime characters or curse words on it. Plus, I didn’t like wearing dresses anyway, so why would I ever wear one? Apparently, I would wear one for dinner. Tonight.

I caught myself in the mirror on my way out of the bedroom. Oops. I couldn’t help but backtrack. I stood there, staring. The person in the mirror wasn’t me. She was a stranger. I knew it had to be me, though. Who else could it be? Her hips were pronounced by the flared skirt. Her breasts were exaggerated by the fit cotton fabric of the bodice. She looked pretty, but she was someone else. I didn’t look pretty. I wasn’t her. She wasn’t me. 

Danny called my name from the front door. I had to will myself from the mirror. I grabbed my purse and a long sweater from my closet before finally leaving. I took Dan’s hand once I was outside and he lead me to the car. He opened my door for me, closing it once I stepped inside. He came back around the front and sat in the driver’s seat. He laid his hand on my knee and startled me slightly. I didn’t mean to flinch. “Is everything okay?” he asked. I didn’t mean to space out. I cleared my throat a little. “Yeah, I’m fine.” That was a fucking lie. But lying seemed to be the theme for the day. I lied to myself more so than anyone else around me, and that only made me feel worse. I wished I could tell Dan what I felt, but he’d never understand.


	2. A Long Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I needed to tell Dan, but anxiety still crept in between my ribs and into my heart. My lungs felt heavy like someone was standing on top of my chest. I couldn't go on pretending to be someone else, though. I needed to tell Dan, for the sake of my sanity and our relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Coming Out, FTM Dysphoria, Anxiety

Climbing into Dan’s car comforted me a little bit. The familiar black leather seats still smelled like a new car even though the thing wasn’t new by any means.  _ Must be a new air freshener,  _ I thought. Dan turned the key and started the car. He had a strange look on his face- one of deep thought and concern. He looked like he wanted to say something, but the words never came out. Instead, he just started driving. That almost felt worse than if he had just asked me what was wrong.

At this point, I felt like a balloon that was completely overfilled. I was on the edge of popping. Just the slightest poke would make it happen, but the poke never came. Maybe I didn’t need that poke, that push, to open up. Maybe I could push myself. No, what if he hated me? What if he broke up with me? What if he told everyone about me and they hated me too? What if-

“Babe, what’s wrong?” Dan asked. We were stopped at a stoplight. He reached over and brushed his hand over my cheek. It felt wet. My eyes stung. Had I been crying? “Babe, tell me what’s wrong,” he repeated. Worry edged its way into his voice. I looked at him, not knowing what to say. He had always let me have my space. He never asked a question he knew I was uncomfortable answering. “I... “ I started. “Nothing.” I carefully wiped my face. I tried not to smudge my makeup, although it would definitely need a touchup once we got to the restaurant. I knew he didn’t believe me. “Are you sure?” he pressed. I only nodded. I knew if I tried to answer with words, my voice would crack. Someone honked from behind us. The light had turned green, but he hadn’t noticed. As he accelerated, he reached over and held my hand. A light squeeze told me he knew I wasn’t okay. I knew I needed to push myself, or the balloon would never pop by itself.

Dinner was mostly uneventful. Arin talked about some new merch that would be rolled out in the next few weeks. Suzy talked about some cast resin bugs she’d put on her Etsy shop that had been really successful. I only half-listened. I picked at my food, taking small bites every few minutes. I didn’t feel like eating. The bites I did take were only because I knew I’d be hungry later if I didn’t eat then. I drank water to push down the nausea building inside me. Part of it was from anxiety about talking to Dan. I decided I would talk to him once we got home after dinner. The other part was from how self-conscious I felt in the dress. I tried to hide my chest with my sweater, but I felt it only made everything more pronounced. Arin and Suzy must have known I was uncomfortable. I expected to be at dinner for at least an hour and a half; we usually drank wine and talked long enough to feel bad for the staff who just wanted us to leave. This time, though, Arin yawned and said he had had a long day at work and needed to get some sleep.

We said our goodbyes at the restaurant’s front doors, giving hugs and ‘I love you’s’ and ‘Love you too’s.’ Suzy gave me a little rub on my back when she hugged me. I gave her a weak smile. I felt bad that I wasn’t really there during dinner. My thoughts had been far elsewhere.

The couple left for their car and Dan and I left for ours. The ride home felt long and uncomfortable. I thought about saying something in the car but decided it would be better to wait until we got home. Unfortunately, that only made the ride feel that much longer. Dan pulled into the garage after what felt like forever. I sighed as I pushed my door open. I had to muster the courage to do it tonight, or I wouldn’t ever do it.

I made my way to the bedroom, picking out my favorite sweatpants and pullover hoodie. I might as well be comfy for my big coming out moment. I silently changed clothes, rehearsing a nonexistent script. None of the sentences I thought of were the right ones. They all sounded forced or too casual. Nothing felt right, but I guessed that was how this would go anyway. Dan came in a few minutes later. He always knew to give me time by myself to change clothes. 

He changed in front of me. I always felt a pang of jealousy in my chest when I saw him do that. It felt like someone was standing on my bare heart. I took a deep breath as I sat on the bed. I had to push myself.

“Hey, Dan?” I asked, a little quieter than I meant to. He sat down on the bed next to me. “Yeah?” he answered. Words escaped me, but I had to try. My chest grew tighter every second. “I… I need to tell you something, and… it’s really hard for me to say, so, um… I just need to know that you won’t judge me for it…” I stammered. He leaned into me and wrapped his long arms around me. “Babe, you can tell me anything,” he said into my hair. His voice took a drop out of my ocean of anxiety. “I… So, you know how I have these body issues…” He nodded. “And I haven’t really known why…I, um, I think I know why.” I looked at him for approval to continue. He nodded once. “I… Fuck, why is this so hard?” I hid my face in my hands. The tightness in my chest reached up to grab my throat. Tears stung at my eyes, threatening to send me over the edge. “It’s okay, baby. You can tell me anything. I won’t judge you no matter what… Well, maybe I’d judge you a little if you murdered someone, but only if you were messy about it.” Dan tried to comfort me. His joke earned a giggle, loosened some of the tightness. I tried again. “I… I, um, I don’t think I’m a girl…” I said, so slowly I wasn’t sure the sentence was comprehensible. “Oh,” he said. I tried to explain a little further. “I… I think I might be trans…” I staggered. The tears stinging in my eyes were now steadily rolling down my cheeks. Dan held me tighter, grabbing my hand and weaving our fingers together. “I think I might be a… a boy…” I said. He suddenly sat up. A determined look painted his face, and he said, “Babe, it’s okay. You’re okay.” 

I felt confused. “You don’t want to break up with me?” I asked. “Oh, no. No, I wouldn’t break up with you,” he said. I was even more confused now. “But, you’re straight.” He laughed to himself, said, “I think both of us are coming out tonight.” “Oh.” “Yeah…” I felt a waterfall of relief flood into my veins. The tightness was starting to leave. “How long have you known?” I asked. He thought for a moment before saying, “I don’t know. I had a couple of boyfriends in college, but that was kind of it. I just never really found a guy that liked me as much as I liked them.” I leaned further into him. My tears dripped onto his shirt, leaving a small wet spot. “Sorry, I got your shirt wet,” I said. I wiped my eyes with the backs of my hands. He looked down on the spot on his shoulder. “No, it’s okay.” He thought for another moment. He said, “Is there anything I can do right now? Like pronouns or something?” I thought, too. “Um, if you want to. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or anything.” “Would it make you feel better if I used male pronouns?” I nodded, fearing my voice would crack if I said anything. “Okay,” he said. 

He kissed my forehead before getting up from the bed. He left the room for a minute or two, then he came back with a damp washcloth and a glass of water. He handed me the washcloth first. I wiped off the minimal makeup I had worn to dinner along with the salty residue from my dried tears. I handed the cloth back to him and he gave me the glass of water. I took big gulps; I hadn’t realized how thirsty I had gotten throughout the whole ordeal. “Are you okay?” he asked. “Yeah,” I cracked. He set the cloth and glass on the table next to the bed and sat down next to me. He took my hands in his and said, “Can I ask you something?” The tightness came back, but not as severely. I nodded. He continued, “When did you know?” I thought, then said, “I think a few months. I wanted to know for sure before I told you.” I laid my head on his shoulder. “Okay,” he said. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked. I sighed. “Yeah, I think so.” “Okay.”

The future scared me. Dan was definitely accepting of me now, but would he be accepting of everything that would come after? This wouldn’t be the last conversation we’d have on the subject. I hoped it would get easier to talk about as time went on. Part of me was glad that I had told him the truth, but part of me also wanted it all to be a dream, and I could pretend none of it had ever happened. I knew in my heart it was good that I had told him, though. I knew I would be able to stop pretending to be someone else. Maybe, one day, I’d even recognize myself in the mirror. I wanted that so bad. I wanted to be who I was supposed to be, not who I was now. I knew a long road was ahead of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I've received a couple of messages that this story has really resonated with some people and that really warms my heart. I'm so happy that other people can relate to this to some degree. <3

**Author's Note:**

> currently working on a long chapter so sorry that i didn't update for a couple days. definitely will try to update later today (7/26)


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